100 Day Anniversary of Phuong's Death

The 100 day anniversary of a Vietnamese person's death is an important day for the family and friends of the recently deceased. On this day, family and friends gather together to visit the grave, which is usually the first time the grave has been visited since the original funeral. This afternoon, I went over to Phuong's house with a couple friends and rode with her family to the cemetery. We drove about 30 minutes outside of Hanoi, and once we arrived, had to weave our way through built-up tombs. In Vietnam, it is tradition that a person is put in a casket, which is then covered in a mound of mud and grass. After three years, the body is taken out, the bones cleaned, and then placed in a smaller box, which is housed inside of a concrete tomb (usually painted and decorated). At the 5 year anniversary, another "celebration" is had at the tomb. Usually, friends and relatives bring money for the immediate family.

We passed the concrete tombs and reached the section of the cemetery that was covered in muddy, grassy mounds, each one labeled with a small, marble tombstone. The mounds are above ground due to the wet soil (the cemetery was surrounded by rice paddies), so we waded towards Phuong's grave up to our ankles in mud. Once we arrived, her mother threw herself onto the muddy mound, crying and yelling Phuong's name. Everyone in the group lit incense, placed flowers, and even poured Coca-cola over her grave (it was her favorite drink). We then proceeded to burn some more things for her to use in the after-life. Her mother, who had seemed unnaturally calm during the ride over, was not faring so well. She was crying so hysterically that she became unconscious, and had to be carried away from the grave. I have never seen such an outpouring of sorrow before, and felt myself losing control of my emotions as well. It took over an hour before we were able to calm her mother down enough to walk her back to the waiting taxi. Once we made it back to Hanoi, Phuong's mother had reclaimed her strength and was smiling and talking with us, inviting us back to the house whenever we wanted. It was strange, seeing her mother fluctuating between such emotional extremes... Phuong was the exact same way; I had once found her crying outside of the restaurant/bar she worked in, and after 10 minutes, she was back inside and completely normal again. Seeing this characteristic in her mother made me miss her terribly.

I know this is depressing, and described with a bit too much detail, but even though it was so sad, it was an important day to remember and love a dear friend.